Mood:
sadNow Playing: Dry Your Eyes -Sean Kingston-
Im not sure exactly why I started yet another blog. It seems to be an addiction to me. Why is it that when I'm feeling down, the only thing that seems to ease my mind is writing? I have no life down here in Tennessee and it's horrible. I miss my friends back in New York. I'm slowly losing myself bit by bit. It's crazy how I used to be so real and everything I did I put my heart and soul into. It seems that now, I dont know who I am anymore. I dont know what I'm doing with my life or why I'm even living it sometimes.
I need a definite change. I want to have Laura Loo back. I want to be the girl that I was before Tennessee happened to me. Maybe I shouldn't have rushed into a relationship with someone as soon as I moved down here. I should have checked things out and spent some time being an independant. I can't change that now of course, but I wish with all of my heart that I could.
The only person that I can trust is myself, and sometimes I'm not even sure if I can do that. I'm completely torn and I know that the only person that can make it better is me. I feel so alone in everything that I do. I tried taking depression meds, but they only work for so long. It gets to the point where I'm so happy when I'm on them that I'm completely fake and as soon as they wear off, its even harder to cope with anything.
The man that I thought was the love of my life is no longer. He is just another boy to me. I say boy for a very good reason. He is a boy. I would like to have myself a man, but I know that without him...I will not have any at all. I thought that I could not bare to have my heart shattered again when I moved down here, and it did. This guy was amazing to me...and now, I dont even know who he is. How can I be with someone that I know would not have a problem hurting me? How can I be okay with that?
I put my total trust in someone that did not deserve it at all. After knowing what I went through in NY and he did the same thing to me. Sometimes I swear that people are heartless. I'm so lost...I just want to get out of here and run away. Although of course, you have to have money to be able to do that and that's something that I most definitely dont have.
I dont know how to tell him that I really dont think that I can be with him. I dont know how to explain to him how horrible that it feels to even sleep in the same bed with him at this point. The fact that we have absolutely no sex life bothers me, especially considering the fact that he was perfectly okay with it to talk to another girl about it, and do it even.
I think that I'm going to go get ready and just leave with Ava and wander some stores or something. I can't stand sitting here anymore. I dont even know if I want to spend any time with him today. He isn't the person I loved...at all.
